god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
