You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
