it was like his penis was on wheels.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Couch. On fire.
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