i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
