He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
