I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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