My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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