there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
A bitchslap is in order.
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