Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
