actually, I'm a sock model
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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