I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Small penises have feelings too.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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