Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
