i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
