YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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