Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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