I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
