She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
