i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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