Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
