when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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