You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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