OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
