Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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