I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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