im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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