Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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