You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
