maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
