i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
