you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize