wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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