i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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