I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
