It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
