you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
