Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
