Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
