Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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