it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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