I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I can't put those talents on a resume
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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