last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
