my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I currently don't understand fingers.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
