Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
