The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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