i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
