Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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