I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
