I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
