Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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