I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
