How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
