My Higher Power is John Stamos
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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