My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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