Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
