I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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